Being lonely is…difficult. There’s always that feeling of not being good enough. You see, I always thought that I preferred being lonely – I didn’t like being around people. I still don’t. I’ve realized though, that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone is nice, you can spend time with yourself and recharge after a long day. But being lonely, that’s something different. Being lonely is sitting alone at lunch, watching as people stare at you and whisper behind their hands – or not even looking at all. It’s a feeling of the entire world being against you, as if there is a fog surrounding you, making you different from everybody else (and you learn early on that people don’t like different). It’s realizing as you grow up that you don’t have any friends – that you never did. It’s remembering all the people who said they cared and then didn’t. It’s never being invited to parties because no one actually liked you, because you were always sad, because you weren’t fun. The people who ran away when you approached them. It’s having people talk to you at school, and then forgetting you over the summer. Loneliness is never being someone’s best friend because they always find someone prettier, funnier, friendlier, happier. Loneliness is that feeling you get when you lay in bed all alone with the lights off, as you feel this hole form in your chest and you’re gasping for air but nothing comes in; that feeling of loss, of grief. It’s learning to hide your emotions, just so people would accept you; it’s being ostracized at school, being yelled at, teased, hit, followed home; and then getting home and having the same thing happen. Loneliness is not having anybody to rely on, because the people who should care laugh in your face and tell you to get over it when the kid who was just like you – the kid who ran with you during track, sat in front of you during homeroom, chose the locker next to yours – committed suicide. Loneliness is not seeing your family for 2 years because they decided they liked life better without you.
You see, I like being alone, but I don’t fancy being lonely.